I want some answers

I have been wondering this for a while. But never gotten an answer. I want one. So give it to me. Is masochism a bad thing?

When I go to the movies with people, and someone is on screen cutting, or burning, or hurting themselves in some form of fashion, I can feel the disgust radiating from the people with me. I know that people look down on these sorts of things; but I just kind of see it as normal.

There are a lot of times that I just want to burn. I don't cut, because I don't like blood. But I do burn, and I have scars from where I burned more often in the past. It's not like I get some sick pleasure from it. I don't really see it as sick at all. I just... Sometimes I do. For a few reasons. My life sucks, and I hate thinking about it. Burning is my way of saying if my life sucks, and I'm gonna feel pain, then I am gonna be the one causing the pain. It takes my mind of the other crap, and puts the pain in my control. In addition, sometimes I just feel like I need to be burned. Obviously if my life is this bad, if my luck is this crap, then there is a reason, and I need to be punished. Now, I'm sure that sounds bad, but it's what I do. At SnS a few times, there were occasions when I would mess up. And numerous times where I felt bad about doing something. So, I would respond to the mess up by burning at work. Taking hold of a hot tray/plate/food on purpose, and taking my sweet time for the burn to subside as I walked it to a table. So often recently, I've been thinking of branding myself. I won't, because I realize that people would look down upon me. But I still think it.

So, please tell me. If you think I'm weird, or wrong, or crazy, then tell me. But don't stop there. Tell me why. Where do you get the idea that it's wrong, and where did I miss the path and think that it is okay? I really want to know.

Ever

I think I have the worst luck, of anyone I know. I mean, I may not, and I may be exaggerating. But I really think it's true. I have felt like so much crap for the past forever. There are periods in which I am decently happy, because let's face it, shit happens, but so does good stuff. But gosh, I sure get a lot of the crap.

In the past week:

1. I have realized that none of the girls that I have the slightest fancy on have any feelings towards me being anything other than a friend. That's okay, but still kind of sad. I'll just get over that, like I have been; it isn't the worst.
2. I am still in financial trouble. No new news, but gosh, it's getting kind of old. I really just want to get out of this pit of negative money that I am in.
3. It doesn't help that I lost my scholarship too. I'm still trying, but I really don't expect much. My mentor has high hopes, but I just don't really see anything changing. If it does, then it is because God grasps the heart of the woman in charge and makes her give it back.
4. I got in a wreck today. I was at a red light, it turned green, I went, and a woman charged though (her) red light, right into my door. My door is trash, and we couldn't get the car started, but I don't think there is too much engine trouble. Jasmine looks like crap, but I think that she will make it out of the body shop just fine.
5. I just feel so drained and so blah recently.

So, things are going great. I got my new job, and will be officially trained and on the floor by myself Thursday. That's my good news.

Mr. Brightside

So, now that I am done with the continuation of Lostness, it's time for a more recent post.

Ida will be coming down on Monday. And she may be bringing Thomas and Darryl. I hope so. I didn't get them suveniours (I hate spelling weird words) from Washington though, only Ida, so I hope they won't mind. But still, it will be nice to see Darryl and Ida again, I haven't seen them in a while.

I'm really looking forward to working at Love and War in Texas. One of my managers at SnS said that the management there sucks, and that I will be coming back to SnS asking for a job again after a while. I don't know if that's true or not though, so whatever.

I will miss some of the people at SnS though. A lot of the hispanic ladies in back I got to be friends with, and then two of the managers I enjoyed slacking off and talking to. A few of the servers were pretty cool, and easy to talk with. A new guy Chris, and then a girl named Christina. And of course Sarah (S), but I will still see her.

Speaking of Sarah, when ever a Sarah responds to a post, could I get you to put an initial too? It is kind of hard for me to tell who is who just by the context of your comment. Thanks.

More speaking of Sarah, it turns out that she does like me, and is just doing the dating as friends thing. That makes me so happy, since that is what I want to do anyways. So, at some point, we will be going to putt-putt. I just have to do the man's job now, and pick a time. *grins*

The new Pirates movie comes out soon. And I plan on going to see it. So, if you want to see it with me, just comment, and I will try to get a time so that as many people can come as possible.

My brain is empty, and ready for bed. G'night.

Lostness Part Two

I'm not sure if this will work, but I am going to try to continue yesterday's post here.

(A short recap (as in the last few sentances before I was interupted))…

So I got nicely connected back in with my Arlington peeps last night. I skipped out of work after an hour, because they had to many people, and decided to go back to Arlington for the night. I had been trying to get together with Thomas for a few weeks, and just got so impatient that I decided to just go there. I got to see…

(And now the continuation.)

all of my sisters, most of my parents, Thomas, Sarah (B), and all the homies from my old church. So, here is the whole trip in detail.

First, after arriving I went to go see my sisters, one mother, and Dad. So, I knocked on the door, walked inside, and notified them that there was some strange guy knocking on their door. After saying that, I continued with the idea that they should chase him off, since they don't know anyone who looks like that. After which, I promptly ran away, because I knew that they were beginning to recognize me. And so I ran, and was chased down and hugged by many many women. Some liked my hair, some didn't. But none of them mentioned the fact that I don't have contacts anymore. That was all fun, and they were all very surprised to see my looking so different. Mom liked it though, so it's all okay.

Then I went to church, and was gonna pull the same stunt and say that they should chase off the weird looking visitor, but they recognized me instantly, so I didn't get the chance. They all really liked it though, and were happy to see me. Gosh, it had been so long since I had seen them, it was nice to see them again.

Sarah and Scotty were there, and so I invited them to come and hang with us after church. They came for a little while, but Sarah has an early curfew, so they left very quickly. On the topic of them though, I think Scotty isn't quite easy around me though. He seemed to be very… aware. He probably thinks that I still want Sarah. Poor guy. Although I was jealus of her too, when I dated her. So I guess I can't blame him. But still, he wouldn't even let me take photos of my car with Sarah in them. So I had to get my sister to do the photos for me (More on that later).

But they left, and then I hung with Thomas and my sisters for the rest of the night, until about eight in the morning. Then went out to take Mia (I think that's her name) to the bank. And while at the bank, we noticed that a new gas station was having it's opening day across the road, and selling gas at $2.59 a gallon. So, of course, I filled up. Oh gosh, it was so nice to find gas at that price. What random luck.

(For a completly random interlude:)
I recently downloaded a new media player called amoraK, and oh my gosh, I am loving it. Only problems I have encountered so far are: it is KDE based, while I prefer Gnome, and it won't play my m4a tracks. But, I think it's good enough I may keep using it.

(Back to the main topic:)
And then, I came back. I was so tired on the way back, that I really needed some sunglasses. The sun was so bright, and I was so tired, I just wanted to close my eyes while I drove. I didn't, but the stupid sun sure made me want to. I think some shades would have helped, so now I want some.

I don't remember much of what else I was gonna post in Lostness Part One, so that's it for now. Just one more thing for this Lostness part.

I am gonna stop doing casts. I mean, it's fun occassionally, but having to think up something to say each time is just tiring. So no more. Sorry.

Tchou.

Lostness

Heh, angsty post time. If you don't want to read me whine and complain, then stop.

I'm not gonna post about SICM. I mean, a lot happened there, but it's so far in the past now, that I can't remember it in detail, only the overall feeling of God's presence that I felt. I feel like crap for not remembering it, but that's the way it is. So, sorry, my stories are gone now. The only stories I will tell from SICM now are stories that other people tell me. My memories are down the drain.

In more recent news, I've felt really disconnected recently. Disconnected from work (and so I quit), disconnected from my friends (so I went to Arlington to see my homies there, and have tried to get together more with my compadres here), disconnected from God (gosh, I need to get my prayer butt in to gear), and then disconnected from life in general (as though I'm just kind of watching it all).

I quit my job at Steak 'n Shake. But only because I have a different job. I'm hoping that maybe it will work better. I'll be working as a server at a Cowboy Western themed steak house called Love and War in Texas. Maybe better pay, but I don't care that much. I just want to be connected again.

As a side benefit of not working at Steak 'n Shake, I no longer work with Sarah, so that's no longer a reason to not date. So, I talked with her, told her that the only reason not to now, is if she plain didn't want to date me. So, she said that she would at least go out on a date with me. A step in the right direction I guess. (Can someone explain the idea of gossip to me at some point, because I'm not sure if what I am about to say is gossip) Eric put a thought in my head though, and it makes me sad. He mentioned about Matt telling him how Sarah doesn't really like me, and is just being nice to me because that is the type of person she is. Now, I don't really think that much, because I think of Sarah as more straight forward than that, that she would tell me she didn't want to date me because she didn't like me, if that was the case. But still, it's a thought that's in my brain now. Stupid brain of mine.

By the way, I hate being the guy. Having to guess what the girl is thinking, and consider what move to make, and having to be the one to decide where you go on the date, what happens on it, who goes, and just does most of the decisions. Not to sound sexist here, but gosh. You women have it easy. Just flirt with the guy and wait. That's it. Then make a choice to stick with him, or go on. Gosh, I wish it was that easy for us. But, the whole point of this tangent, is me saying "I don't know where to go on a casual date." I've never done casual dating before. So, any ideas are welcome.

So I got nicely connected back in with my Arlington peeps last night. I skipped out of work after an hour, because they had to many people, and decided to go back to Arlington for the night. I had been trying to get together with Thomas for a few weeks, and just got so impatient that I decided to just go there. I got to see…

I got interupted. I may finish this post later. But this is what you get for now.

Off I go for ice cream.

Crisis

I broke yesterday. If you know about it, then okay. If you don't, but want to, then ask.

Also, I have a lot to say about SICM, but I've been up for twenty-four hours now (just got off of work), so I am gonna crash. If you want to hear what I have to say about SICM, then nag me, or I will forget.

That is all.

Cast

• Me: Poor and tired soul in need of rest, in all manners physical, financially, and emotionally
  

Washington

Just a quick post to say that I am in Washington. Typing on a qwerty keyboard. So this is gonna be short. But I am here, having fun, and loving it. More later.

Cast

• Me: Christian at SICM, having trouble typing

Mmm… Stuff

News everywhere. I started going to a Tuesday night bible study. And I like it. I meet with Glynn and some other guys, and even though they are all a lot older than me (late twenties or thirties for each of them, I think), it still works out really well.

I have moved my site to a different server. So now, instead of being on my laptop, it is on Eric's computer. But, as I just found out, Eric's server is down… How sad. I'll have to tell him to put it back up, but no one will be able to read this until after it's up again. Heh, kinda funny.

But, since my laptop is now no longer a server, I am going to make it a laptop again. And that means making it ready for games. So, Windows, I guess you are coming back. It doesn't make me happy, but I want it for games. I cry, really I do.

So this past recently, Sarah and I and other people have been out late playing cards most nights. Very fun. The only part that makes me sad is that I haven't had a chance to talk to Sarah, one on one. But, I can wait on that. Mostly, I enjoy her company, and I've had fun going out with four people for a game of cards. Makes me feel good.

But, I won't be doing that this week. At all. At work, they have decided to schedule me from seven till two or three, every day this week. And yes, I do mean seven in the morning. So, no late nights for me. Just makes me a little sad.

Two more things, and I promise that's it…

I underwent an appearance change this week. Started Saturday, with one event, and was decided yesterday (Monday). So, something is different about me. But, I'm not going to let you know unless you see me in person. Or wait till next Monday. Whichever comes first. Why Monday? Because I've decided to undergo another appearance change on Sunday. So, come Monday, I will post up a picture of me with both changes, and anyone that was clueless up to that point, can be let in on the secret.

And lastly. I got to hang with someone that I normally don't get to, yesterday. I was in a bind, and needed a drive someplace, so I called everyone in my phone (pretty much) to ask for a ride. Really, I only called the people I know pretty well, that live around here, but whatever. So, when none of them could do it, I called people that I don't know pretty well, and Alena was the one who responded to the challenge. All in all, I had fun spending time with her, and I think that we (the group that I am normally in) should invite her to more things, because she is a fun person. But, just a thought.

Cast

• Me: The ever-changing one
  
• Glynn: Mentor and leader in the church
  
• Eric: Compadre, but unreliable server
  
• Sarah: Friend, and sister to Weezer/Beezer
  
• Alena: A fun girl, able to help out a friend/acquaintance (wow, I butchered that word, but don't care to spell check)
  

Suckage

Grr, not having glasses sucks. I had thought that work would be okay, and that I would be able to at least wait tables, even if not well, but no. Can't at all, it requires vision way to much. So, since my glasses are broken (I hate sports), I was put on drive-through for today. Heh, oh yeah, my glasses are broke, if you didn't get that. So, if my spelling or grammer seems off, it's because I'm not really focusing on the text, and not seeing what I type because I don't want to strain my eyes that much. It begins to hurt, after all.

But, other than that, today was fun. I woke up and got to see a friend tha I hadn't been able to see since school ended, and that was fun. Then we went out to Cici'- and ate pizza, followed by a fun game of Wally-ball. Well, fun for everyone else. I don't know why I play sports, personally. Peer pressure, I guess. And the knowledge that I do need to get some physical activity in for myself. But, I really hate it when I dod it, because I know that I'm no good. And so does everyone else. The entire time we played today, my team kept getting closer and closer to me, because they knew that I would never be able to hit the ball back. I don't think they were angry at me, per se, but they were at least getting frustrated with me. And every sport that I play in, that happens. And then comes the second reason I hate sports. I always get hurt in them. Normally, I hurt my ankles somehow. But not today. Instead, I got a ball to the face (twice), and the second hit broke my glasses. Kinda sucks.

So, instead of playing sports, I recommend this for the next time anyone invites me anywhere. Board games. Pool. Bowling. Cards. Video games. I don't get hurt in any of those. So, I much prefer those options.

In other news, Sarah is not avoiding me. And I am veird/mean for thinking that. (or something)

Cast

• Me: The bling guy that keeps bumping into stuff
• Sarah: The non-avoidant girl
  

God's Grace

So, it's time to point some glory to heaven, guys and gals! God put me through some trials, just as was promised, but I gave it up to him, and most of it is sorted out. At least, the parts that I gave up to him. It really is a lesson to me that God is the one doing it all.

But, right now, life is good to me since I've realized (yet again) that I need His help. I am not sure if I mentioned it (and am too tired to look now), but I had to put my car in the shop for a while. Only a day, but still. But, it's all sorted out now, and Jasmine is her name. She's been treating me so well this past week, I'm so happy. *hugs life* Makes getting around so much easier.

A lot has happened that is good though. Sonic has new flavors, meaning I can get an apple limeade now (very good, by the way). I'm getting more hours at work (six days a week, and thirty two hours). Thomas is getting a truck (or was gonna get it yesterday (gosh, I need to call him…)). Eric is coming back. Oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention that Eric was gone… Well, Eric was gone. But now he is coming back, and that makes me happy. Robby is going out to pick him up tomorrow at six or so.

And, in addition to all that, I've had really late nights recently. Which, is not bad, at all. Last night, Sarah, Jamie (I think that's how you spell his name…), Chris, and I all went out to play cards. We stayed at Waffle-House and played until three something in the morning. Spades, of course. Chris and I won. And tonight, we went and played again when I got off of work. Minus Chris, plus Warren. I introduced the three others to a different game I used to play, called kent, but I'm not sure how well it went over. I think they might have liked it better if they had been more awake. But, after a few rounds of that, we went back to spades. Jamie and I, versus Warren and Sarah. They lost. But it was a very intense game, with two close encounters of Jamie and I losing, but pulling it back. And then winning from behind, when they thought they were safe and had at least two more hands. We played until six in the morning, and gosh it was fun.

And, on a semi-final note, I had thought that Sarah had been avoiding me, since I had asked her into a relationship and she had said no. But, as evinced by the past two nights, she wasn't, and I'm just weird for thinking that.

I feel like there's more. But, right now I need sleep. I mean, come on, I just played spades and drank coffee until six in the morning. So, farewell and good night.

Cast

• God: First and most important One in my life
  
• Me: Good boy, falling under God's grace
  
• Jasmine: Car of good standing
  
• Thomas: A brother in need of a car
  
• Eric: A friend, too far away from life on campus
  
• Sarah (S): A girl of attention, and friendly card player
  
• Jamie: Occasional partner in cards, and always fun
  
• Chris: Another friendly card player
  
• Warren: And yet another, but a loser (*raspberries*)
  

Prayer needed

I fucking hate Memorial Day.

And…

I'm gonna come home and cry tonight.

Gosh, sometimes life really sucks.

I'll explain more when I'm not getting ready for work.

Mucho news-o

Oh gosh, too much news for one brain this tired. I'll try to list it all, but I'll probably forget a bit, and never remember to post it again. Ever.

So, I finally have a car. About a week ago I got a call from Brandon saying that Glynn had possibly hooked me up with a car. Well, a week or so later, I now have a car. It's a '93 Lumina, with 92,000 miles on it, new wheels and brakes, and in pretty good condition for its age. I spent fifteen hundred on it already, but it's gonna be a bit more before I'm done, since I have to give to Caesar what is Caesar's. But, still, a very good price.

So the car was fifteen hundred was the price, but I only had five out of the fifteen. So I thought that I was just gonna pay the owner the other thousand later, when my CD (of a thousand) matures on June fifth. But, instead, Glynn has paid the extra thousand, and I will be paying him back when the CD matures. I know that doing it this way isn't really that different from paying the owner later, but it still feels so wrong. My entire life with Ida, we have lived on borrowed money, and I hate it. I never want to be like that. So, I make it a point to never borrow money. And now this happens, and I didn't even realize it until it was already in the works. I almost would have preferred waiting the extra ten or so days, just so I could pay up-front. Every time I think of money, I think of Ida, and what the Lord has to say about it. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." And just thinking of that makes me feel queasy any time borrowing money comes up. Giving money is one thing, and we are commanded to assist each other in times of need, but borrowing is completely different. Anyways, this has just been weighing on me, and I will be so happy to have the whole thing behind me when I pay him back.

So, since I have a new car, two things have to happen. One, it has to get a name. I've done that, and her name is Jasmine. Number two, is that I have to have photos taken. But, I am missing a critical part, in order to take photos. I need a girl that will pose on the car while I take photos. So, when I went in to Arlington today, we went by Sarah (B)'s workplace, to see if we could coerce her into doing it. She said that she would (I think), but we need to catch her when she's not at work, so she can do it in her bathing suit. So, next time I go to Arlington, I may have her pose for my photos, if I don't already have the photos done. I think I may ask the other Sarah if she would be up for it, since those are the only two girls that I think would even slightly consider it.

So, ya know how I have been saying how much I need to talk to Thomas about Christ? Well, last night I had the perfect chance. He spent the night here, and we stayed up late, hanging. But, I forgot. Gosh, I feel so bad that I would forget about it. I really need to talk to him. It's almost like the devil was whispering in my ear to forget it, that it didn't need to be done. But, next time I will do it. Gosh, I need prayer on this one, that I can finally talk to Thomas about our Lord.

In completely unrelated news, my sister is getting married! (Note: The explanation point is not an explanation point of joy.) Shar has known this guy, John, for about five months, and when he proposed to her two nights ago, she said yes. I see no up-side to this. He's already gotten in trouble for drinking and driving (and again on the night he proposed!), he's jealus of me and Thomas (the brothers for crying out loud!), he is boring, and they have only just met! Most importantly, he's boring! But, the wedding isn't for at least a year, so I hope that in that time either they will realize the mistake, or things can get better. But, it's not gonna work out the way it is. (Sis is so crazy…)

I've had a late night at work, and an early morning with Thomas, so I am gonna go to sleep. G'night.

Cast

• Me: The fun and energetic male lead
  
• Brandon: The wise and resourceful contact in the Church
  
• Glynn: Another wise and resourceful contact in the Church
  
• Caesar: The representation of the "Man," or government
  
• Ida: The mother who even now lives below poverty, depending on others
  
• Lord: The great Father in heaven, creator of us all
  
• Jasmine: The brand new car (to the male lead at least)
  
• Sarah (B): Possible car model number one
  
• Sarah (S): Possible car model number two
  
• Thomas: The non-believing friend, in need of light in his darkness
  
• Shar: The silly and impulsive sister, in need of direction
  
• John: The woo-er of said sister
  

Working post

So, I'm back from work. And almost everything in the upcoming post has to do with work. Except for the very next part. Which doesn't have to do with work.

I was looking around earlier today, and talking with Sarah again, when I found a link back to my old blog. Gosh, reading it again, I am very embarrassed. I was a heathen, and an evil little child. But, I'm kind of glad it is there, all the same. I just looked over a few of the posts, and I realized why I like to blog so much. I've done it every time it comes to mind, since I first found out about blogs. Sometimes months inbetween, but normally pretty regularly. It's because that is how I remember things. I can't actually remember them myself, so I create a blog and record them for me. Just the few posts that I looked over told me so much about myself that I didn't know. Just little stories and anecdotes that are very interesting to remember. But, where-as most people can just remember them, I need them recorded in order to remember them. That's why I like photos. And momentos. And blogging. They are my link to the past.

So, today at work was pretty good all in all. I was only really on the floor for about four hours, but during those four hours I made fourty to fifty dollars. The rest of the night was me on drive through, at my minimum wage rate. In addition to the decent money, I even had really good customers. No one really seemed to come in angry today, and that makes me very happy. There was one table that came in angry, because of bad service they had last time, but I cheered them up, and they really seemed to like me by the time they left. So, all in all, a very good work day.

At work, there is a mexican lady in the back, very dear to me. She is so great. It really is a treat to work with her. But today, she was supposed to get off at ten, and was still at the store when I left at three. Her boyfriend (By the way, her name is Gabina and she is probably fourty something) was supposed to pick her up, but he didn't come, he wouldn't answer the phone at home, and so Gabina thinks that he was out dancing. I offered her a ride home when I got off, but one of the ladies had already offered, so I wasn't needed. It really makes me sad to see such a great lady treated baddly by a man like that. I dunno, that's pretty much what I wanted to say on that subject.

Oh gosh, and now I am going to sleep. I have church tomorrow, after all.

Cast

• Me: Tired, hardworking, dreamer
• Gabina: Sweet old mexican woman at Steak 'n Shake
  

Thoughts

So, Sarah and I went out for coffee last night, and I told her my two rules of dating. And then she pointed out a third rule that I should have: Don't date my boss. She is gonna be a trainer, and I'm not. So, last night, she said that was a pretty good reason that we shouldn't date; and in my current state of non-sleep, I agreed. But, now that I'm awake, and can think again, I remember something else. I had talked to the managers (well, one of them at least) at SnS a while ago, and he'd said that dating between employees was fine, as long as one wasn't over the other. Such as, if a person was just hired, they couldn't be trained by the person they are dating. But once the training was over, it was fine if one was a trainer and one wasn't. Now, I may have this wrong, but this is how I remember Mo explaining it to me. So, I'll tell this to Sarah then, and see what she thinks of it.

In other news, nothing else.

Cast

• Me: Well rested boy, for now
• Sarah: Friend and girl of special attention
  

In opposition

So, today, as opposed to yesterday, was not completely worthless. I went and saw the people in charge of my scholarship, and found out that I have one more semester of probation. Oh, I am gonna do the best that I can, so that I can come back. Gosh, I have been so numb recently, unable to think about it. But, when I went out with Glynn today for lunch, he talked to me, and convinced me to go in. I'm happy that I have lunch with him, I think he helps make me better.

But, other than that, it was pretty worthless. I finished Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and rented the sequal. No opinion on it yet though, but the first one was definately good.

Yup.

Cast

• Me: Hopeful soul, looking for a purpose
• Glynn: Helpful mentor
  

Uselessness

So, today was the most unproductive day I've had since… Well, in a long time. It was very unproductive though. I got a library card, and that's about it. Nothing more. Other then that I just did the basic eat, watch Gilmore Girls, and play Gamecube. No being with people, nothing productive at all. The only people I saw, I was only with for about half an hour. Maybe.

I blame it on the fact that I'm living alone right now. And I haven't lived alone since I was thirteen or fourteen, so I'm not used to it. My roommates are gone, and only one is coming back, and he won't be back until Saturday. I mean, I lived alone years ago. But I was also in school, and being a part of a gang, so I was never home. (I call it living alone, even though Ida was theoretically there. But she was always either asleep, at work, or at a friend's house.) Since then, I've lived with other people. Even when I lived with Ida again, I still wasn't alone. Sarah was over almost everyday, and the days that she wasn't, I was staying at Thomas's. So that was good.

I guess, I'm just not used to it. I want both quiet time, and people time. If I'm around people all the time, I get drained and tired of being with them. If I'm by myself, then I get bored after a few hours, no matter what I do. I need a hobby.

I know. I think I'll try to get DragonRealms to work… That will eat up my time.

Cast

• Me: College student bored out of his mind for summer
• Ida: The never at home mother
• Thomas: The close friend, closer then a brother

Plans

So, I've completed some plans, started others, and am still needing to start others.

I finished cleaning my room. I'm done. Forever (I wish). But, at least I'm done for now. I have a floor, my laundry is done, and my desk is not absolutely covered in dust.

As for plans started, I've approached Sarah about dating her. She and I talked last night, and I expect to talk to her again about it. But, it's started in some direction.

In addition, I have some church plans for the summer. I've been baptized now, and need to show my zeal for God. So, I am going to some bible study thing (I think) in June, and Alena asked me if I would like to do a weekly class over summer. Only problem is that I would need to request off the time for it on Tuesdays, and it costs thirty-five dollars. I mean, if I don't give offering for two weeks, I can pay, but I'm not sure where the money would be better spent. I'm gonna have to think about that one. But I need to decide soon.

As for plans not started, I really need to go to the financial aid office, and find out if I will still have my scholarship next semester. Because, if I don't, then I'm either gonna be very very broke, or have to change the name of my blog. But something will happen.

In addition, I need to talk to Thomas. People, please pray for him. I have been friends with him since forever, and never really talked to him about Christ. I feel God has been leading me towards talking to him though, and I've been telling God "No, not now." I don't think that's the best move on my part, so now I just need to stop making excuses and use the next oprotunity given.

Cast

• Me: Goal oriented teen
• Sarah (Stoehr): Silent and hard to understand girl
• Alena: Friend and link with the church
• Thomas: Heathen brother
• God: My goal in life, to praise and worship
  

Memories

I really like looking at the past. I don't remember it myself, it's through the stories of others, and items, that I remember what has happened. So, last night when I was looking through my old pictures and showing them to Keshia, it brought back a lot. Gosh, things were so different back then. I'm a very different person now, I think. I hope. I hope that I've improved myself over the past year. I'm not perfect, and never will be, but I'll still strive for it.

And now I'm cleaning my room, which hasn't been done in forever. And finding so many Sarah objects. She was so cute with what she did, leaving notes where I would find them later. Even now, they make me smile. I found a shoebox in which she said she still loved me, and a few other mushy notes here and there, such as on the front cover of my cal notes. Heh, gives me ideas that I should do when I get a girlfriend. After all, you girls like finding notes, right?

In addition to what she left, I found some stuff I did myself. I didn't actually do cal last semester. I doodled or slept instead. I was looking through my old notes and found a section in which I was just daydreaming about Sarah, and the future, and just page after page of her and me, getting married, what the ring would look like, everything. It makes me kind of sad to throw it away now, but I think that I should, since it now doesn't really have much meaning at all for me.

Anyways, this was just a post to tell people to clean their room more often, otherwise you might find old stuff you might wish had just been thrown away.

Cast

• Me: Reminiscent about the past and old times
• Keshia: Eric's lover lady, talkative with me online
• Sarah (Barker): Old memories, with new emotions nothing like the old
  

Habit

It seems like this is becoming a habit. Staying at work until three in the morning, that is. Friday night, I was scheduled to get off at one, but I had to stay till three because they were expecting a party of twenty-five at two. They came, I helped, then left. Last night, I was scheduled till three, and so from one till three, I got to take the few cars that went through drive through, and fold silverware, while the person doing the rest of the night shift slept in one of the booths. (Note: I'm not bitter about her sleeping there, in fact I told her to. She had worked during the day, and was gonna work overnight into the morning, and keep working through lunch shift. If she didn't sleep when I was there, then she would have crashed at some other, less oprotune time.) And today, I stayed till three because we are having some quartly inspection, and my manager wanted me to stay for a bit while the restraunt was empty, to help clean. So I stayed for another two hours after I was supposed to get off, mopping floors. Hard work, I must say. Especially since we had to hard scrub, which is tiring to do over the entire restraunt.

In other news, I went out with people today. Missed church, but got to spend Mother's Day with my two mothers. We went out to eat at some place called Love and War in Texas, then went out to SnS for some milk shakes. People thought that I was wierd for coming when I'm off, but I like the shakes, so I came.

Heh, it seems like my life revolves around SnS now, doesn't it… Especially cause this part isn't even news about me. It's news that we have new shakes at SnS now, and they are pretty good. I just wanted to mention that.

And on one last note, we have a hat rack in the (clean) front room now!

Cast:

• Me: Wow, I was the only one mentioned by name in today's post… Heh, hope you guys like pronouns.
  

Interruption

So, sorry about the down time everyone. There were a few days there in which I couldn't post, talk to people online, or even let my site been seen. But, that's over. It's because one of my housemates (who has the modem in his room) was gone, and had his door locked, and so I couldn't fix the internet. But, it's better now.

I've been working late recently. Till three, for the past two nights. I don't mind it though, I actually kinda like it. Although, if they would give me more morning shifts, I would prefer that so much more. But, I think I get paid more, and better tips at night. In fact, tonight, I had one man tell me about how much he liked me as a server, and that I should come to work for his restraunt. I told him no, but still. That was kinda cool.

So I asked Sarah out. But, she told me she would have to think about it. I kinda feel foolish, because I did it over the phone, but we weren't gonna see each other in person for a while, so I thought that would be good. And so I asked her, waited ten seconds, and had to make sure that I hadn't lost the call. I hadn't, but I think I caught her off guard. She said she would think about it though. I'll take whatever answer she gives me.

Today is Mother's day, and I have to wake up at noon so I can be ready when Ida comes. I'm gonna go out to lunch with her, and possible Thomas and Linda. And so, I'm going to go to sleep now. (after a shower of course though)

Cast

• Me: Hardworking employee, and loving son
• Sarah: The focus of his *arrow pointing up* fancy
• Ida: The beloved mother
• Thomas: Friend, brother, and fellow loving son
• Linda: The other beloved mother (Yup, I have two)
  

Advice

So, I really like Sarah. She is a lot of fun to hang around with. We even go out for coffee most nights, and then just sit and talk for an hour or two. I like talking with her, I like doing things with her, we enjoy some of the same things, and she's not hard to look at either. She may say otherwise, but she is in fact very pretty. Now, I've not wanted to ask her out before for numerous reasons, but I don't care anymore. So, Eric, I'm not gonna take your advice. I'm gonna take Barker's advice instead. Tomorrow, at some point, I will ask her out on some sort of date or other. Or at least, right now I think I will. And by posting this, that means I have to. So, there we go. If we don't date well, then oh well. I am pretty sure that I am stable enough to still be friends with her afterwords. And she is stable too. So, off I go into the wild blue yonder.

But for now, sleep.

Cast

• Me: A hopeful and youthful student, nervous about himself
• Sarah (Stoehr): The beautiful young girl his mind points towards
• Eric: The counter-advising friend
• (Sarah) Barker: The influential ex
  

The story, in full

Okay, so here's the full deal.

I've been kinda down recently. I had nice plans. I was gonna do good this semester (didn't happen), I had plans for the summer, such as camping (not happening, or at least not with me), a trip to New England (also not happening), and a trip to Corpus (which is kind of doubtful). So, I did something stupid, and wanted to go where I thought home was. I had to do something. So, after work Friday night, when I got off at two, I headed toward Arlington in Eric's car. I got there, and hung out with Thomas at his Shell station (where he works now) till he got off. Then I went and saw Shar and her family, wished her sister a happy birthday, and then I was gonna go back. Eric had even called me and let me know that he needed the car, and I had told him that I was on the way back. But, I didn't feel like I had finished my trip to Arlington yet, and so I called someone.

Mrs. Barker answered the phone, and said she wasn't awake, but she had picked up the phone also, and at the sound of her voice, Mrs. Barker hung up. And, so I invited Sarah to go out to breakfast with me. We had a good time. I told her what's going on, and she did the same. She doesn't have too many new stories, but it was still a good time. Sarah is still Sarah, and hasn't really changed at all. I gave her the address of my blog, took her home, and headed back.

All in all, I regret my trip to Arlington. For three reasons:

1. I had promised myself that I wouldn't go back, and that it was just not worth it.
2. I stole Eric's car. I feel so bad about that, like I stole candy from a kid. Then beat the crap out of him. And then tortured his parents. And then just left him to die somewhere. Eric says it's no problem, and that he wishes that he had the… Whatever it is that I have that allowed me to just go to Arlington on a whim. But, I still feel really bad.
3. It cost a lot of money. I mean, gosh.

But, it wasn't all bad. I got to see Thomas, Shar, and wish Jazzie a happy b-day. And I resolved myself with Sarah. I mean, for the past few months, I've been mentally hounded with "should I call her?" and "should I even look at her blog?" But, now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I don't have to think if I should contact her, if I want to talk to her, I just will. And I don't think about dating her anymore. I don't think I could anyways. She made a post in her blog on how she was afraid that I was gonna date her again, but I don't think that will ever happen. I just don't see her as the perfect goddess now that I used to. And that's good.

But, the trip made me really tired. And other stuff has happened. But that's for a different post.

Bad Paul…

I had a few hours of weakness today. But, I haven't slept in twenty-eight hours, so I'm gonna catch some z's. Pester me to fully explain it later.

But, here's a clue. We have a new member reading this, her first name is Sarah, and her last name isn't Stoehr.

Cast

• Me: Oh gosh, I am so tired. *falls asleep*
  

The day is come!

No pants day is here! *celebrates* Everyone should participate! So far, Matt, Thomas, Darryl and I are, but more people should.

In other news, I may be baptized today. I hope. But, one of the things that Brandon said I should do before I get baptized, was to write out what it means to me. But, if I write it on paper or anything, then I will just lose it. So, I decided to write it here.

What baptism means to me:
It's a promise. The holy spirit comes and makes me born again, and in that act, a promise is made from God to help me through any problems. It's also a promise from God that I will have a hard time, and that problems will come to me, but no matter what, I can persevere. From me, it's a promise to devote my life to God and Jesus, and make Jesus the master of my life.

I think that's the idea. Anyways, I really hope to be baptized today.

And now, off I go, to get people to participate in No Pants Day, and go out to eat with me.

Cast

• Me: Hopeful, energetic christian, soon to become a baptized diciple of Jesus
  
• Darryl: Friend and fellow participant in No Pants Day (in Arlington though)
  
• Thomas: Friend and fellow participant in No Pants Day (in Arlington though)
• Matt: Friend and fellow participant in No Pants Day (who will come to eat with me though)
  
• Brandon: My fearless church leader, who will hopefully baptize me
  
• God: The one, the only, the Alpha and Omega
  
• Jesus: My one true savior
  

The Signing of the Lease

The title will only get a brief mention today, but it was important enough that it deserved a title. I signed my lease with Waterview Park Apartments today. Which is a sign that I have trust in the fact that I will come to UTD again next semester. Because, if I don't, then I have to pay four hundred dollars to break the lease. But, that's not gonna happen, and I am gonna keep my scholarship, and all is gonna be good. That's just the way it's gonna be, damnit.

In other news, work is going well. And stuff is happening. But I'm distracted right now, and can't think of anything.

Cast

• Me: Returning UTD student!
  

Life

Oh gosh, things are interesting. I think I have a chance of getting the required GPA, but I'm not sure. It'll all fall into place soon though.

I feel lacking. I haven't been studying the bible at all recently, nor have I had much time to engage in good Christian fellowship and discussions recently. I'm sinning more often, in ways that I had stopped recently, and I think it's because of the lack of time I gave to God recently. Yeah, I need to fix that. God is there to help me, but only if I look to him for help.

Darryl and Thomas came to town today, and we went and got boxers for No Pants Day. I feel ready now. My only problem is… Well, I'm not modest. I lost that a long time ago, when I realized that nudity doesn't matter. It's one of the few things that I admire in my friends from Arlington. We realize that it's more comfortable to wear less, and don't paw all over each other just because a bit of flesh, or even a "taboo" area is showing. But, even though I feel that way, I've never been an exibitionist. I don't get a kick by having people look at me. So, the thoughts coming go like this. (By the way, Sarah, if you don't want to hear about stuff, stop reading and go to the next paragraph. You have been warned.) I'm not exactly unendowed, but it doesn't show when I wear jeans or anything. But, I tried on the boxers that I will be wearing, and it shows. There is a large lump in my front, and nothing I can do to hide it. I wouldn't mind it showing, if I was in the company of people who didn't care either. But I realize that some people will care. It just feels kind of odd. But, I'm going to do it anyways. I would like the world to take on the same view as me, and by not putting any care on how I dress, even if for a day, I hope that I might make a message.

If you believe the same way I do, then please take part. Maybe we can start to fix the world, step by step.

Or something.

Finals are here. Praise be to God? Or something like that. I guess I'm ready.

Cast

• Me: Young and hopeful Christian looking for the right path set forward by God
• Darryl: Friend and fellow enjoyer of pants-less-ness
• Thomas: Same as Darryl, but larger
  

Grrr

I am really pissed at Comcast. The modem they gave us sucks, and won't work properly. It keeps losing packets, and that's just bad. Then, when they say they will fix it, they don't show. I'm angry.

And, almost passing. I got a seventy on the most recent cal exam. If I can do well on the final, I may be okay.

There's more to say, but I'm not much of a talker. Or, something.

Cast

• Me: An angry user of Comcast, who can't give it up
  

Baptism and God

So, I feel as though I'm being put through a lesson here. I've had problems in school, and now it's up to God to have me stay or go (because really, right now, anything I do won't matter). So, I've had to put a lot of trust in him for that. And, I'll admit, I worry, but I realize that in the end, whatever happens will be what should happen. Also, everyone I know is getting baptized. Again. I mean, come on, they are two ahead of me now! Really makes me think on myself, and the fact that I need to be baptized.

In other news, stuff.

I got four hours of sleep last night. And will probably get a similar amount tonight. Darn all these late night baptisms.

So, google now has a calendar feature. I have my schedule up, so if you ever want to know what I'm doing on a given day, you can easily find out. Just ask me for my calendar info, and I'll give it out.

Cast

• Me: Searching soul looking forward
• God: The eternal and loving Father, who does what is best for his children
  

Prayer needed

Pray for me. That I will pass and be able to come back to UTD. Or that I will at least be given a third chance.

Cast

• Me: Prayerful soul in need of help
  

Busy times are a comin'

Oh gosh, I have been so busy lately. And will be for a while. I have so much stuff that I do, and not enough time to do it. Almost everything I do is scheduled a week in advance, and I hate it. I love being spontaneous. But, I'll go with the flow. At least the semester is almost over!

Today was a great surprise. I got to see one of my friends from Arlington that I hadn't seen or talked to in almost forever. Ida came up today, and apparently she had run into Darryl on Saturday, and he tried to get some contact info for me. So, she did one better, and offered to bring him up to UTD today. Oh man, it was great seeing him again. He's not graduating this year, but I'm rooting for him for next year. Then, if I'm still here, hopefully he will come up to UTD, cause it's the place to be! So, while he was up, I took him to a class, we went to the mall, and had a fun time. Darryl, come up again soon!

Ok, so, for important events, lets make a list:

1. Next Saturday, the twenty-second, is my guitar recital. Nothing big, but if you want to, then come. It's free, and afterwords I plan on hanging and going out or something. So, yeah, come to it. Sarah is gonna be in it too.
2. That same weekend, Sunday, is Focus Banquet. I need a date. So, who wants to be my date? Eh? Eh? Oh well, even if I don't get a date, I'm still gonna go, it'll be fun.
3. The week after is final week, and praise be to God for them coming and going. I only have to take two finals, and that makes me happy.
4. May fifth, the first Friday in May, is No Pants Day. And everyone should celebrate. I'll be going out with some of my men friend next Saturday (the day of my recital) to Wal-Mart to get some nice boxers to wear, so if you want to join us, just let me know, and we will bring you along.
5. That weekend, May fifth through seventh, we are planning on going camping. If you are interested, let me know. It will be fun, and we will have a camp fire, and all will be good.

So, yeah, things are good, work is well, and I pretty much love life right now. Sorry about the drama posts, those are over for now. They come occasionally. I'm still not over my bad grades, and am kind of worried (AKA Pray is needed), but I'm taking it better now.

Cast

• Me: Exuberent young busy boy
  
• Ida: Mother of said busy boy
  
• Darryl: Enjoys hashing, and saying "Put your serious face on"
  
• Sarah: Friend and fellow guitar player
  

I lie

I lie. A lot. If you see me, and I seem to be messed up, I am. But I'm not going to admit it, because smiling at accepting and laughing are the only ways around it. I'm messed up now, and I lie a lot, but it's ok (there I go lieing again).

Oh, and I had my bike stolen.

Oh, and raise your hand if you are probably gonna be kicked out of UTD next semester *raises hand*. Oh crap, am I the only one?

Cast

• Me: A UTD failure (probably)
  

Bad night

Ugh. Who feels like crap and doesn't want to go to class?

Who will end up going to class anyways, because I'll get beaten up if I don't go?

Yeah. Me.

I had a bad night.

Cast

• Me: A tired and grumpy student
  

Broken

I broke today. I gave in, and started looking back on my life tonight. (Sarah) Stoehr today made a comment on my life with girls. And I know I'm stupid. But I looked back today, and I really don't know what I saw in (Sarah) Barker. She gets on my nerves. But, I don't know, there was something there. Of course, it was probably the (near) sex, but still. When she wasn't pouty, or being a butt, she was fun to be around.

So I found an old picture that she drew a while back. When we were still dating, and there were only small signs that something was wrong. I really hate getting attached to people and then breaking it off. I'm doing it with Thomas now. He and I aren't married (like I was to Barker), but we are still breaking up, little by little. It makes me sad. Almost to the point that I want to call him up and go drinking with him. But, I won't. I just want to.

And so, for all those people out there dating, I wish you luck, and give you a warning. Don't get to attached, you never know what will happen. I dated Barker for two years. Didn't change things. Don't be immoral with the person, set boundaries (like no making out (it's one of mine, I know that it would lead me off the good path), not being together alone at night, and not obsessing over each other and spending every waking hour with/on-the-phone-with each other), and don't make your life focus around the other person. I broke all those, and realize now that they are pretty good rules. I had people telling me them, and didn't listen though, so I don't expect anyone else to though. But this goes out to all of you (Stoehr, Matt, Keshia, Eric).

And now I am going to go off and look up more on Barker, and e-mail her, or something. Maybe just go cry about my life, and wish that Thomas would come with a liter of amaretto.

Cast

• Screw this, I don't feel like it right now.
  

Supposedly

So, supposedly (according to me), a lot of interesting things have happened recently. But, I'm lazy, and tired, and won't go over them all. Probably ever. Deal with it.

Work is good though. I'm doing more than bussing; that's good, because doing nothing but bussing tables was killing my back, but I'm getting better now. I'm an official server, and thought that I had a rash from something at work yesterday. Turns out I was wrong, it was a sunburn. From my next story!

Yesterday Alena invited all her Core people to come eat together at the pub. So, I came, and we then decided to go get free hamburgers outside. It was a beautiful day, and people were hanging outside in the sun, so we decided to also. I was only in the sun for less than two hours, but I burn so easily that those two hours were enough. So, I am nicely tender on the arms now. But, it gets better. The sun burns are totally worth it, because the people who were giving out hamburgers also had kites, and so I got to fly my first kite of the summer! It was great fun. I want to go have a picnic and fly kites again. Oh my gosh! This Saturday is play day at the park! I should get a kite and fly it there!

I got new shoes! Ox-cut Chuck's, two pairs. One is a hunter green, and the other is black with white skulls, almost pirate like. On the pirate shoes, Ida got me some awsome skull shoelaces, but they were too short, so I will just use the black ones that they came with. For the green ones though, I plan on getting orange laces to support my shool colors. It'll be fun, or something.

Eric's roomie, Anthony, has a 360. And he went and bought Perfect Dark Zero today. All in all, I think it was a worthy purchase. The single player is decent, and the multiplay is fun. So, good stuff there.

I'm tired, and have a busy day tomorrow. More talking later.

Cast

• Me: A crazy tired insomniac with too much stuff on the mind
• Alena: A buddy from Focus and a Core, also an enjoyer of sunlight
• Eric: Guy with the name Eric, and only mentioned because of his relation to the game mentioned above
• Anthony: Guy with the name Anthony, and only mentioned because of his relation to the game mentioned above
  

Highlights…

… of the past week include:

• getting my work cut short on Wendesday because they didn't have someone for me to work under
• getting a good grade on my Gov't exam (low nineties?)
• eating ice cream on the roof of ECSN with Eric, Sarah, and Matt (G)
• watching Ice Age and Ice Age 2 (the sequel is the better one)
• failing my abbreviations quiz for SnS miserably
• finding someone else who enjoys the band Cursive (and is Christian none the less (I now feel less guilty))
• not getting enough sleep tonight since I'm going to be getting up at seven thirty so I can help with the A/V at Northeast Church tomorrow

Cast

• Me: Oh so busy worker with too much on the brain
• Sarah: Ice cream hater
• Eric: Ice cream neutral
• Matt: Fellow ice cream lover
  

Pirates!

Since Sunday, not much has happened. Or, that was a lie, and my life has been full of activity since then. One of the two.

After Focus, we went to Braum's and had free ice cream. Well, not exactly free, but close enough, since Focus paid for it and I didn't. Sarah got onto me for having three ice creams that day (once at the zoo (a double dip waffle cone), once on the way back (a triple dip cup of gelato), and then another double dip waffle cone at Braum's), but really, I don't mind eating all that ice cream, someone was going to have to eventually. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

While we were eating ice cream, we got it into our heads that we should play cards. I don't remember why, but it was fun though. We had a game of Go Fish! (which I failed miserably at), followed by a fun game of Spades. Apparently, Matt (G) knows how to play Spades pretty well, as do I; Sarah on the other hand, could use some practice. I think we decided that we should stop after just two games, with Matt and I with a score of 120 or so, and Sarah's team almost back at zero (negative twenty something I think they were at?) . All in all, it was a fun time at Braum's.

Monday, I had day two of my training at Steak and Shake.

And, this post has been in editing for three days now. I am just gonna post it, and make a follow up later.

Cast

• Me: Lazy boy with too much work
• Sarah: Girl who enjoys ice cream… to a point
• Matt (G): Fellow BSoA who also knows how to play Spades
  

Bongo

So. It's been a few days. Time for an update.

I went in for training Friday. It was good stuff. I had six hours of quizs and stuff, over simple things like "Don't mix chemicals" and "Don't put knives in water." Nothing really useful. Then I had three hours of following someone around, to find out how to be a server. Nothing too useful there either; I followed him for two tables, but it got to be to busy for that, so I just staid back and made drinks, and then learned from another trainee how to bus tables, so I did that when I noticed a messy table. All in all, a very worthy day, that Friday.

I'm really very happy to be working now. For the past three years of my life, I've been focused on one subject for the most part. Making mysely worthy for a girl. Half a year for a girl that was already taken (and I ended up attended her wedding just last december), two years for a girl whe ended up not wanting me, and a month or two now on a girl that's out of reach (now). So, maybe I'll get my mind on something proper now, instead of putting to much effort into the opposite sex. Of course, it could be said that I could have devoted myself to school from the beginning, but I really am not much of a fan of school. I do it because I have too. Interesting classes are worth it, but I haven't had an interesting class in a year now almost, and even before that, it was easy to split my attention between the class I enjoyed and the girl I was seeking to impress. But a job, that's different. I mean, there are good things about having a job. Money, work experience, and possible pathways to better things. So, hopefully I can do well at my new job.

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I had originally planned on going on a field trip yesterday. Well, that didn't happen. I had school work that I needed to do, laundry, and people to hang with. Yesterday was fun, because I got to hang with Keshia (who never comes to see us!), Eric, Matt (Gilliland), and Sarah. All very fun stuff. We went swimming (bad choice, it's freaking cold), then made food (my quiche!) and watched Gladiator. A very good day indeed. Everyone especially liked my throwing of the hat at the movie, but really, it was unhelpable. Someone had to throw a hat at him, and I was just the angry person to do it. And so, I did.

And now, there is today. Another great day (oh believe me, God has been good with me recently). Woke up early to go to the zoo with Keshia, Eric, and Sarah. Took a train, and went to the zoo. It wasn't as good as the Fort Worth Zoo (the Dallas Zoo that is), but it was still fun all the same. A grand full day adventure, of animals, friendship, and overpriced zoo food. We even had a nice running gag going, which they insisted I put up on the site. So, here it is. I don't remember which line belongs with who, but it doesn't really matter.

"Oh look, a bongo!" (A bongo is a weird grazing creature)
"Hey, Joe can play the bongo!"
"Really? How do you play a bongo?"
"I guess you grab it by the horns?"
"No, you beat on it's belly."
"Not that belly!" (In refrence to Eric's lack of a fat belly)
"Maybe that belly?" (In refrence to my non-lack of fat belly)

So, not that funny, probably more of a you-had-to-be-there kinda thing, but whatever. I have pictures from it though, and that's always good. There's other pictures there too, but the later third are all from the zoo.

Anyways, I gotta go to Focus now. Fun stuff, and praise God!

Cast

• Me: One very lucky guy, on his way to… Something
• Eric: Friend on campus, and fellow lover of animals
  
• Keshia: Girlfriend of Eric, and friend to the rest of the cast
  
• Sarah: Friend on campus, and fellow lover of animals
  
• Matt: Boyfriend of Sarah, and frend to the rest of the cast
• (Wow, that's sorta eirie… Are Eric and Sarah the same person too? Does this mean that I'm Sarah? Does that mean that I'm dating Matt and Sarah?)

Will Paul finally find all his problems solved?
Will his identity crisis be taken care of?
Will settle into his job well?
Find out, next time on "UTD Life, or Something."

I'm ready!

It's my first day. And I got no sleep last night. I tried, I really did, but couldn't do it. I lay in bed at midnight thirty, hoping to be asleep by one. Well, I think I finally drifted off around two, two thirty in the morning. And then I tossed and turned all night. And then I woke up at seven in the morning, unable to get back to sleep. So, hopefully I won't die today. But, it's always a possibility.

Anyways, time to get dressed and go in for training!

Cast

• Me: A very tired, but still eager, young employee
  

Late night fun

I think I want to play some pool right now. It's what I like to do when I'm sad. So someone come and play some pool with me.

Cast

• Me: Somewhat sad about missed chances
  

Good day

As an update to the previous post, let me explain.

I have a job now at Steak and Shake, but have no car. Steak and Shake isn't nearby. It's close enough that I thought that I could at least ride a bike there though. I was wrong. If I rode a bike, it would go like this…

• Day of school draining energy…
• Bike ride there killing me…
• Hard day of work finishing me off…
• Ride home impossible…

That's not exactly what I need. So, I've given up on that idea, and will depend on rides, until I can get a car. So, anyone with knowledge in how to go about doing this, contact me and help. I have money, and my father said he can help, so I just need to know what to do now.

About the job: I'll be paid less than minimum wage, only about two thirteen an hour or so, but will make up for that (assumably) in tips. I go in for training on Friday at ten, and will have my first day of work that same day at six in the afternoon. So, fun stuff there.

I took my govt quiz today and got an 83, so good stuff. Just pray that I can do as well on the exam tomorrow. (Gosh, I really gotta remember to get the exam form tomorrow before class…)

Also, keep Linda (my second mother, Thomas's real mother) in your prayers. She's in the hospital right now, getting a kidney removed. I don't know how this is gonna work, I thought she already had one gone, I don't know how she can go with just one. But, keep her in your prayers, that she at least remain comfortable, and come out of there ok.

Cast

• Me: Very tired, newly hired mediocre college student
• Linda: Best mother ever, and the woman most deserving of love ever
  

Death to me

*dies* I just rode a bike from here to Wal-Mart, and died. I don't think this is gonna work. If any one has any contacts or helpful info on how to get a car, give it to me now. I really really need a car.

Cast

• Me: A poor dead soul in need of a car
  

Haha!

Eric, you lose! It's not my theme! This theme did it too, twice in a row, I had to kill gnome-panel. So, take that!

Cast

• Me: A happy computer user who can now reclaim his theme
• Eric: A loser! *poke poke*
• gnome-panel: An applet that needs to stop freaking dieing!
  

Job and friends

So, news from Sarah: "Stoehr, Sarah: Congratulations on your new job." So, she says that I'm gonna be given a try at least. And that, in my opininon, is what we call "good stuff." The interview went well, and I think that they like me. Combined with what Sarah said, my hopes are getting pretty high. I know that they shouldn't (I always get high hopes with jobs, and then get dropped), but this seems like the best chance I've had yet.

In other news, I hate my TA's. In all classes pretty much. My TA for CS 2110 Intro To Digital Systems Lab is ok, but she is the only one. My lab class for cal is supposed to get out at ten, so he is supposed to give us our quizes at nine thirty. Well, he didn't give them out tonight until a minute after ten. So, I didn't get out till about ten minutes after the hour, and that really sucks. I hate bad TA's, quite a bit.

So, a friend of mine (Alena) came up with a song for our sorta-pastor, Brandon Worsham. It goes to the tune of Captain Planet:

Brandon Worsham, he's our pastor
Skin as white as alabaster
Preaching sermons, singing hymns
Racquetball at the gym

We're disciple makers
You can be one too
Cause saving our planet is the thing to do
Hating and debating is not the way
Hear what Brandon Worsham has to say...
Christ's powers are yours!

So, one day, as she and I were watching Charlie play racquetball at the activity center, we decided that he needed a theme song too. After much deliberation, we came up with the following, done to the music of Sponge Bob Square Pants:

Who plays racquetball at a quarter till 3?
Charlie Martin!
Skillful, left handed, and agile is he..
Charlie Martin!
He'll whip out a racquet and play you a game
Charlie Martin!
With all that he knows he will put you to shame!
Charlie Martin!

So, that's all fun stuff.

Cast

• Me: Overworked individual looking for more work
• Sarah: The best friend ever
• Crappy TA: What more needs to be said?
• Alena: Friend from Focus, musically inclined
• Brandon: Pale skinned semi-pastor
• Charlie: House-mate of Eric, and friend to all
  

Addendum

Ok, so, ftp doesn't hate me now. I have done nothing to appease it, but it is magically working now. But earlier, I swear, it wasn't working darn it!

Cast

• Me: So very very confused!
• ftp: So very very confusing!
  

Job!

So, I'm going into an interview, in about half an hour. I've been looking for a job for the past two weeks or so (kinda passively), and one of the places (the only one so far *is ashamed*), called me back and asked me to come in for an interview! I've gone job hunting before, but never have I been called back after turning in an application. This is a first for me! Admittedly, I had help. Sarah (Stoehr, not the one from recent discussions) helped me out by giving a good word on my behalf. So, that may play a small part (or large, more likely) part in why they decided to give me a chance. So, now I'm all dressed up, and full of energy. *bounces*

On the topic of school, I have a chance to bring up my grades for Age of Dinosaurs! I bombed the midterm (with a horrible grade not worth mentioning (41/100)), and so I asked him today what I could do. Well, he is looking for slave labor, and offering extra credit in return for it. So, I am offering up my body to do work setting up for some theater production, in return for passing this class. It really seems like I'm taking a bit more charge in my classes and grades. Hopefully, I won't be kicked out of college this semester!

Still on the same topic of school, but more towards government this time, how do I study? I know how to study for cal (do the questions from the book), but how do I study for government? He doesn't use the questions from the book, and I don't have old quizzes of mine to look over, so I have no clue where to start. The exam is on Thursday though, so I need to study soon. Helpful input is nice, so tell me how you do it if you don't mind.

Oh, and ftp hates me again.

Cast

• Me: Youthful energetic student taking charge of life and school
• Sarah: Friend and contact at Steak and Shake
• ftp: Very confusing!
  

Plug

Just a plug for my new favorite holiday.

(By the way, this is not a joke (well, it sorta is), I encourage everyone to take part)

Cast

• Me: *will be participating*
  

Thoughts

So, thoughts always mess me up. I want to do one thing, but I know I shouldn't. I've ever put up a barrier against me doing it. It's an easy to pass barrier, but every time I want to do it, the barrier is there reminding me of my determination not to.

I want to check Sarah Barker's blog. I know I shouldn't. She's gone from my life. It messes me up when I find out info about her. It makes me feel like crap. But, she was a part of my life, hell, she was my life, for almost two years. And so, I still have a lingering urge to see how her life is going. But I know that it will mess me up.

*sighs* Things are screwy. I want to also tell her about this blog. Maybe she would like to read what happens in my life. I don't know. But, if I invite her into my life again, I don't know if I would be able to take it. Word from the wise here: Don't be sexually immoral. It messes you up, and causes feelings that aren't real. I don't regret what I did, but I know that it was a mistake, and this is just a message for those out there that are in positions where things could mess up. Don't do it. I sometimes think back on Sarah, and now my thoughts are always tainted with what I did to her. (If anyone has questions on this, or needs some guidance on this topic, feel free to contact me. I'm not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, if it will help keep someone else from falling off the path.) I think I'll just wait awhile, and ask some friends for their opinion, then decide whether or not to tell her about this blog.

Cast

• Me: Confused soul in seek of guidance
• Sarah (Barker): Cause of all the confusion
  

Dream

So, I think I just had the wierdest dream ever (that I've remembered). It was me getting a phone call from my ex (Sarah Barker), and her telling me that she is pregnant and getting married. Four months pregnant. Now, it's only been about three months since we broke up, and I know that I'm not the one that made her pregnant, so in the dream it all became clear on why we broke up: she slept with Scott and now has to marry him since she has his child. Now, that's not the truth of the matter, we broke up for a variety of reasons (that I'm not going to go into), but in the dream, that's what happened. So, she wanted me to come to the wedding and be the best man (for Scott), and a bunch of other stuff. Well, when I woke up (about four minutes ago), I had this huge urge to check up on her, look on her site or call her and see how things are going. But, I know that it's not for the best, and I should just not peer into her life anymore. So, I'm not.

But, it was an odd dream, either way.

Cast

• Me: Old romantic fart, getting over his past interests, but interested in new things now
• Sarah (Barker): Old romantic interest, now out of touch with the main character
• Scott: Friend from church back home, contact broken with for past three months
  

Day two

Well, a fairly average Sunday today. A shortage of food around the house (and eventual decision to seek food elsewhere), a lot of sitting on the computer, and FOCUS (Fellowship Of Christian University Students), the on campus christian group that I am a part of.

Earlier in the day, I went over to a friend's house, and helped him attempt to prank his roomie's computer. He had a simple java program that would wait ten minutes, then flood the screen with a never-ending stream of windows. Problem was, when it ran, it opened a console window, which wouldn't work very well. So, he needed to make a jar file for it. I was a bit of help (I think), by showing that he needed the JDK (actually suggested by Eric). So, actually, I probably didn't help much… But I tried at least! And that's the important thing.

So I went back home, and it stormed! Such a good day for a rainstorm. I always love the rain, and so here it comes for me! I think it's God saying "Good job on your cal exam, have a rainstorm Paul!" And I like that. So, good stuff there.

After Focus, we sometimes go out to different restaurants for some fun and fellowship. Well, at this particular outing to Burger Street (not recommended), Sarah was being hassled and poked by Matt (Gilliland), and in order to protect her, Eric reached across the table, spilling Sarah's drink all over her. Well, she doesn't like pictures (whole 'nuther story), but awhile back she promised that she would let me take one of her. And, her standing there, pants soaked with coke, I thought of the promise that she made. So, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you, Sarah!

In completely different news today, I switched from apache2 to lighttpd. I never got into apache2 much, but I can say this about lighttpd: the config is much smaller, and I did everything I needed to set it up in about five minutes. Also (and this is from Eric), it seems to be much faster. So, if page loads are faster, it's all because of this.

Cast

• Me: Slightly wet twin of Eric
• Eric: Computer junkie on call
• Sarah: Student and friend, jealous of the twins nearness to the pool
• Matt: Cohort from Focus
• Pranking Friend (Matt Clark): Mischevious friend in need of CS help

FTP released from custody

Ok, so, my problem is solved. It wasn't ftp's fault *apologizes to ftp*, so I wasn't right to blame it for something that it didn't do. No, instead, for some reason that I don't understand yet, my router has a habbit of throwing away packets, semi-randomly. It will work fine for months on end, then randomly, when no one is even in the room with it, it will start dropping packets. Quite annoying, really. And so, to fix it, I have to do what Comcast calls "power cycling". I have to turn off my router and modem, leave them off for half a minute (coffee time), then turn them on (in the order of router first, modem second), and wait for them to reconnect. All in all, it's a huge pain in the ass, and I wish I could get past it, but it happens sometimes.

So, now everything is up and running normally, and I am gonna work on templates! So, if you care to see what I'm doing, head on over to my testing blog. Hopefully, I will keep working on it, and not give up immediately. So, root for me! Time for some work.

Cast

• Me: Lazy and liable to quiting lovable male lead
• ftp: did nothing wrong after all
• Template testing blog: Hopeful start-up, on it's way to mediocrity
  

Addendum

Ok, correction, I firmly dislike ftp now. Or, something. Whatever it is that's messing this up. I have no clue when this will actually be posted, because, blogger can't seem to publish to my webserver. I'm angry at this fact. So, tomorrow, Eric will (hopefully) come over and help me fix the problem. Once that's settled, I will like ftp again (for it's ability to let me use blogger on my own space), but until then I'm a bit aggravated.

Cast:

• Me: An angry, tired soul in dire need of sleep before explosion.
• Eric: The kind friend that will come to soothe the savage beast that is ftp.
• ftp: Really really annoying.
  

First good title!

So, time for an actual first post!

Just as a heads up, I have no clue where this blog will go. Well, actually, I do. I think it'll probably serve as my best ranting outlet. I used to use livejournal (but we won't talk about that), and that was it's major purpose. Other then that, this will just be an easy way for me to keep track of my life, and what's been going on.

So, as a good first post, let's go into today! Or, my life… Umm… Today!

I volunteered for a guitar thingie. It was semi-interesting, but not really. I didn't get to hear them perform. The only good parts about it were being able to hang with Sarah, and getting a free shirt. Other then that, it was just blah. I had to go and wear my nice pants, and then get them all wet (because of the lovely Texas weather).

But, on a more important note, I found out about setting up an ftp server today. And how much of a hassle it is. (Hint: Semi-annoying) But, I figured it out, and so it's all good now. Eric made it seem like so much more, but it's only a slight problem. Once I (AKA he) found it of course. I'm sure that I would have been able to find it, but it would have been a day or two. I get angry at things to easily, and give up. Gosh, I really need to work on that…

And, to begin something else, let's have a cast and crew for today!

Cast:

• Me! as My Adorable Self. Linux using wierd guy. Surprisingly handsome and fun to be with though.
• Sarah Stoehr as Sarah: Hyper friend, living nearby, also interested in guitar.
• Eric Anderson as Eric: Closest male friend on campus, fellow linux user, but not as good looking as the lead actor.

Again

And once again, for another feature… Let's see if this works!
--
dg

Testing again

123
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dg

Testing!